All that feeling - in honour of IWD

"Here is to strong women:

May we know them

May we be them

May we raise them"

- Unknown

A few weeks ago, and not for the first time, a talented and successful woman, a client of mine, shared with me her disappointment regarding a recent incident at work. She had been criticised for a piece of work -unfairly in her opinion-, and “broke down and cried after the exchange”. She felt dislodged for several hours after, as she went through several emotions and thoughts. The next day was better; she got perspective on the previous day’s event and felt “close to normal”. Yet, she was disappointed in herself that she was broken down for those few hours. She believed breaking down was weakness, opposite of strength, lack of resilience, and a key reason why she, in her own opinion, would not make it as far and high professionally, as she would, if she were ‘stronger’. My client’s understanding of strength is shared by many men and women, though most of us have witnessed that women are more likely to be interpreted as ‘lacking strength/ resilience’, as they are more often observed to be emotional and sensitive at workplace.

“Stronger” meant ‘unmoved’, ‘stoic’, ‘unphased’, ‘keeping her cool’, as I probed and my client explained, reminding me how until a few years ago, I would have had the same exact definition of strength.

I beat myself for years, how, despite my best efforts on self-development, I felt broken when bad things happened, at work and on my personal life alike. I was sensitive; words and actions got to me. Unfair treatment, lack of appreciation, and many other negative events I or somebody else experienced impacted me deeply. I felt the pain, the anger, the upset in my core. I felt ungrounded, sometimes nearly paralyzed afterwards, trying to process whatever had happened. I blamed myself that I let stuff get to me, that I wasn’t strong enough to preserve my cool, regardless. To me, getting stronger meant I should be feeling progressively less -way less- emotional about negative events. As I wasn’t getting better at ‘not feeling’, I convinced myself that I was not getting stronger or more resilient as a person.

Some years ago, after an episode during a work trip where I believed I was unfairly treated, I confided in my female mentor in her office through big fat tears. She gave me a box of Kleenex while I sobbed, and lots of helpful advice once I stopped. After I left her office and got on the plane back home, I sent her a message:

“Sorry for completely losing my s**t in your office today”.

“The strongest woman I met are those who completely lose their s**t, when it is time to lose their s**t”, she replied.

I felt my body relax into the crammed plane seat and ordered a glass of prosecco, half smiling at the stewardess through my smeared mascara.

In that 2-line phone message, my mentor helped me start to redefine strength and resilience by introducing me to my most authentic strength: My capacity to feel. I am sensitive, emotional, and passionate. These words, contrary to my previous thinking, are not barriers standing in the way of being a strong woman and a resilient human. They are not my weaknesses. They are my superpowers. They make me excel at empathy, connection, and drive for results. They make me care deeply and genuinely for others, and do whatever I can for their development. The many manifestations of that passion and sensitivity -the overriding emotions, the falls, the breaks, the disappointments…, like the successes, the joys, the celebrations, make me an exceptional leader and a strong woman, by serving as my unique boosters once I get to know and channel them. I am strong and resilient, not despite, but because I am sensitive.

Strength is not an armour made from indestructible metal that never ever gets dented. Resilience is not about building skin that gets progressively thicker over time, so that nothing can get through to break you, because that would mean that nothing will get

to move you either. Strength and resilience are about building what I call ‘bi-porous skin’ which allows everything to get in and get out, so we learn to process all of that to create a better, more productive and suitable response every time, to whatever happening to and around us. Strength is not about getting to a point of ‘not feeling’ or ‘not showing the feeling’, but about making peace with and use of all of that feeling, channeled into our best possible self-expression.

I think it is time, humans, and especially women, redefine strength and resilience, for more authentic, fluid, and powerful fulfillment of our leadership and development journeys, at work and at home.

Our world needs stronger women, yes.

Our world, however, does not need stoic, un-moving, always-has-it-together women. It needs strong women who feel deeply and love fiercely.

It needs resilient women who break down, lose their s**t, dust themselves off, and get back on the saddle.

Being sensitive and feeling deeply are our superpowers. Let’s please claim them as a blueprint of our exceptional strength.

Happy International Women’s day.